Friday, September 10, 2004

Piece of Mind

So I get into this car accident today. I just totally lost my focus and ran a red light. I hit a young brother driving an Oldsmobile and damaged the passenger side of his ride. It's a good thing he was a working brother like myself and we handled it the old school way(without the police involved). I was really shaken up after getting in my first wreck since I was 18, but I am disturbed by something worse than that. I can't figure out what was on my mind at the time I blacked out and kept going through that intersection.

It really disturbs me that my brain has so many things going on inside that I can't even keep track of my own thoughts. Is there something wrong about thinking about every decision you have made since you were 15 years old? There are just too many decisions that I either regret making or wish I had done differently to feel good about the status of my personal life at this time. As much as I try to forget about things that are in the past, I can't help but realize that my life would have been much more fulfilling had I made more decisions with my personal satisfaction as the only factor. I never thought I would say this but I wish I would have been born a more selfish person. It's hard to feel like you could be doing more for yourself and not feel satisfied. It's worse when people around you seem to be totally comfortable with their situation and you never feel right about your own. It makes you think that something must be wrong with you. How can all these people not be bothered with what's going on and you are driving yourself crazy. I know it's not healthy to be thinking like this all the time but I have been going through this for a long time and it probably won't end until my heart stops beating.

I would give anything for an hour of clear thought.

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