Monday, July 28, 2008

Sitting On My Porch Part Twelve

I spent the weekend doing landscaping in my front yard. It was so hot that I started singing old Negro spirituals and waiting for Harriet to show me the way to the Railroad. I have to be the only fool that waits until the middle of the day to do yard work. I know that since humans are at the top of the food chain we think highly of ourselves and how we control nature but I don’t think we give nature enough respect. Three years ago after Katrina everything around my house was brown and dead from saltwater. There was no grass, leaves, or flowers. The only thing that survived was pine trees and old oaks. Now after a few years of rain and sunlight, it looks like a swamp again. We talk about harming the Earth with the way we live but the reality of it is that the Earth is going to be fine once we leave it. The only difference is that the grass doesn’t grow as fast as it used to. When I first moved around here if you didn’t cut your grass a few days after it rained you couldn’t see your house.

Apparently Senator Derrick Shepherd went swimming in the river Saturday and swallowed some of that oil infested water. How else could you explain what happened to him this weekend? Here’s the part I don’t understand. He left his ex girlfriend’s house after she called 911 and went to his own house to get a lap dance. What woman is so fine that you bring her to the crib to get a lap dance knowing the entire sheriff’s department is looking for you? Whoever she is needs to be relocated out of this area immediately. She’s a threat to all the stupid men of the metro area. I don’t want to go to any club with a dancer so fine I will be willing to publicly embarrass myself and ruin my career.

Brothers and sisters please stop calling the radio defending the brother for getting arrested. The woman didn't go to his house and pitch rocks at his house. He went to her house. All he had to do was get his double lap dance and go to sleep happy and content. I don't want to get myself in any trouble but I never had a lap dance and wanted to fight afterwards. Derrick did this one on his own.

If you work at an organization that depends on state funding, shouldn't you keep your resume updated and saved on an USB drive in your car at all times until Bobby Jindal leaves office? If you can make it through his budget cuts you truly have a valuable position because he cuts everything. Even the elderly didn't stand a chance.

Brett Favre is now taking Terrell Owens’s place as the man who refuses to go away and is hijacking my football season. We haven’t had on preseason game and I am already drained. ESPN has to cut into every program just to tell you someone talked to Brett and he still wants to play but he is still sitting at home. I hope someone makes a trade soon so we can switch to the next month of stories about him playing for someone else other than the Packers.

In a true example of what influence real fathers can have on men, I changed my ringback tone from Hold it Now by the Beastie Boys to the regular boring ring after Clifton Sr. fussed at me like I was 17 sleeping in a bunk bed on St. Claude St. I did it because his reasons were right and because I didn't want to hear about it every time he calls me. Let this be a lesson to parents. It doesn't matter if your kids do things just to shut you up. All that matters is that they do it. Man, that Beastie Boys ring was cool. I'm supposed to be grown....I am typing this really low so he can't see it.

I have talked about my neighbor some and I am concerned that I might be giving people the wrong impression about my neighborhood. I live in a great neighborhood around good people. I just have one crazy neighbor next door. Actually, I won’t call her crazy either. Before the storm she was fine. She probably just has some post Katrina issues like everybody else. I would knock on her door one more time and try to mend fences but if she yells at me for nothing one more time I might forget she has kids older than me and I might end up running for a lap dance like Derrick Shepherd.

Finally, I just want to tell all you parents out there to please check your internet adult content settings. Otherwise you may be sitting around thinking the kids are watching something on Nick Jr. only to walk in and discover they are laughing at this video below. Don't ask me how they got there.

What kind of sick freak do you have to be to turn Boots into a gangster?

1 comment:

Leigh C. said...

My son's already going berzerk over the LOLcats. As for letting Boots indulge in his anger and knock off Swiper, well, he shouldn't have expended those bullets. We meed to start educating these kids in the classics, like the Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner THERE were some creative ways to knock somebody off a cliff...