burn·out a. Physical or emotional exhaustion, especially as a result of long-term stress or dissipation. b. One who is worn out physically or emotionally, as from long-term stress.
Everyday I do the same thing. I get up in the morning. I shave, brush my teeth and take a shower. I get dressed. I take the same route to work. I park in the same spot. I get the same thing for breakfast. Talk with the same people everyday. I go home and iron clothes. I watch the same television shows. I work out then I surf the internet. I drink my evening cocktail and then I lay down on the same side of the bed every damn day. Every now and then I wake up and say "DAMN!, I am tired of this shit". It’s funny when you get a case of burnout. You don’t get much done at work. You stop reading the paper. You can’t watch the news. I can’t find anything to make me want to update this damn blog. It feels like I am in a trance. I want a hug but at the same time I don't want anyone within ten feet of me. I want to fight and get a lapdance at the exact same time. That has to be those people I see sitting at the bar in the middle of the day. When you have the issues in life I have, you need to be careful. Feelings such at this can go from "This is only a test I have passed before." to "Fuck everything. I understand how James Evans daddy felt. I am gassing up the truck and getting the hell out of here." You have to dig deep to get out of that place.
Back before a storm named Katrina hit the city I could get out of this mind state easily. There were a good amount of people around me that understood sometimes you have to take a day and go fishing or light the grill on a Wednesday afternoon. These days tend to linger longer now because things are set up to feel lonely and boring. One day I left work this week to go mess around the city for awhile. I went a few blocks and realized I had nowhere or no one to mess around with so I went back to work. I should have driven to my old crabbing spots except gas is too high to drive all the way down there and have them be closed because of the flood. Hell, if I was in another place at least I could expect to be confused about where to go. I realize everybody is supposed to be moving on and everything but this is bullshit to me.
It’s all really just another challenge on the road to a new way of life. You can’t fall back on the old ways of dealing with things. Like the old Keith Sweat and Gerald Levert song says, It's just one of them things I am going to get used to. I have to come up with new solutions. Some quiet moments of meditation is a start. Enjoying a cigar on the lake after work while listening to some old school hip hop helps a little. Talking with your boys that are dealing with the same thing is good. Throw a Hornets game in there somewhere. Having over 30 years of daddy quotes doesn't hurt. If you are lucky enough to get some kind words from special people you can get the energy back to go home and play parade or do some color by numbers with the little ones. Now I can get back to the grind for another few weeks.
re·plen·ish 1. To fill or make complete again; add a new stock or supply to 2. To inspire or nourish
9 comments:
Man, get in touch with me. I'll hook you up with some Habanos and we'll smoke 'em in Dos Jefes, at the Lake, whereever you want. I"m here, and I feel like you do.
First time I ever came down to New Orleans, I walked the streets with newfound acquaintances with a cigar burning in my mouth. Hell, we oughta get a small stogie gathering together. I'm sure that it'd be a billion times more pleasurable with you than it was with those folks I met up with over twelve years ago.
We're ALL still here. Ultimately, it's something to celebrate a tad more than it is something to get burned out on. But it's damned hard most of the time. Got to release that pressure some kinda way...
I will take both of you up on those offers. Ashley, I am more of a maduro man myself but if you are buying habanos will work just fine.
Hey Cliff!
As long as it's been, know that these post-Katrina days are a "dividing time" in your life. I know they have sometimes depressed you but use them, all of them, to figure out the you that you are becoming (a raving existentialist I am not, but really - this shit works!). You'll get through it, I promise.
I've been in a "dividing time" - again - for a while now and bad as it feels sometimes, I've found out some fundamental things about myself that are pretty damned good! Jumping in my car those times and driving to NOLA from FL to volunteer were done at the beginning of a "dividing time." The trips were freeing, life-changing and confirmed lots of things about myself that this rat-race of a world had me doubting. Gave me a whole new focus and a determination on things about which I am now unflappable and I'm a much better me because of it. That's exactly what "dividing times" are for - retooling, redefining, challenging the old you to be better.
If all you feel like doing is not a damn thing, then do that. If you're tired of doing the same damn thing, do somethin' else - cigars with Ashley sound like a great start! Hang in there Man!
CARTOONS! They will change your life!
I was in a state this weekend, so Saturday, I stayed in my jammies, ate some Cookie Crisp, got down with my kids and watched cartoons until about 1. Magic, I tell ya!
I love you black man...Feel better
Cliff, I have some Oliva maduro pyramides with about 5 years of age on them, or you can tap into the Habanos stash -- your call.
I'm on spring break for a couple of weeks, so just get in touch. I owe you a hot sausage po-boy from the big pink building anyway.
Ashley,
send me your contact info to clifton611@yahoo.com and we will arrange that.
I had a little time so I thought I would catch up on some of your archived blogs. This one stood out to me because I know exactly how it feels to be burned out. Sometimes I'm so busy I forget how to be just me. I work where I service needy people. I am a mother of a two year old and a four year old. Need I say more? I also a member of a family where I'm the one that solves the problems and keeps the peace. Sometimes I just want to run away to a place where I can just be me. I understand burnout. T.
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