Thursday, March 3, 2005

Negative Energy vs. Synergy

I am young, fairly intelligent, charismatic, good hearted,
responsible brother. I do my best to live my life in the way my
parents tried to raise me to live it. I have a wonderful daughter and
have lots of people in my life that love me and support me. So why do
I feel like I made a wrong turn somewhere?

Maybe I am not on the wrong path. I don't know for sure. I figured by
the time I was 30 years old I would be at a place where I could be
comfortable with myself and my decisions. I don't think that is going
to ever be possible.

That is not a negative statement, although everybody is going to read
it that way. I'm not depressed. I love my life and the people in it.
There are people and situations that I wouldn't change for anything
but there is something practically no one knows about me. I am a
perfectionist. I am really far away from being perfect. I'm barely
crossing the threshold of being good. However, I want to do everything
the right way. It would not be a stretch to say that being perfect
consumes my thoughts. I hate making mistakes and will beat myself up
over a bad decision. I simply cannot be comfortable excepting
situations as "just the way it is". I envy people who can free their
minds by rationalizing a bad situation by saying "everything happens
for a reason". Yes, there is a reason for everything but sometimes
the reason and the outcome is not good and that eats away at my mind.
There is nothing wrong with trying to make everything right. Nobody
should accept mediocre conditions of any kind. It doesn't matter if
it's emotional, spiritual, or economical. We should all strive for
some level of excellence in our endeavors and a level of good in our
actions. Here's where the problem comes in for people like myself.
There are too many people that lack the vision and understanding to
give a damn.

Perhaps many are too busy convincing themselves to be happy with misery
and can't pay attention. Some will never recognize or understand the level of synergy you are trying to reach in your life. There is a thin line between self esteem and self loathing. You can't control the outcome of every decision and situation, but the people around you can make it all better or worse than you view it to be. If you are not successful at getting to the level you want, the people around you may be the reason you either find some peace of mind, or go totally insane.

Everybody needs to be satisfied with something.

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