Sittin on My Porch Part Ten.....Nothing Too Serious

This post is dedicated to the Big Cat Ernie Ladd, Junkyard Dog and Mid South wrestling on Mondays at the Municipal Auditorium back in the day. As soon as I win the Power Ball I am bringing this back. I will donate all the ticket profits to the New Orleans Recreation Department and help the kids. Wrestling and helping the community at the same time is the American dream for me. When I was a little boy in the Ninth Ward, my friends in the neighborhood were so in awe of my daddy’s size that we used to debate whether or not he could beat J.Y.D and take the North American title. Now that I think about it 25 years later, my daddy would have kicked his ass and ran him out of town. Then Junkyard Dog would have came back as Stagger Lee and my daddy would have been trying to take the mask off to prove to everybody that Stagger Lee really was the Junkyard Dog in disguise. Then somebody at the auditorium would have said something nasty about my daddy because everybody loved J.Y.D. Then my mama and my aunts would have went off on the people in the crowd and we would have been banned from going to the matches until my daddy lost the title. That would have been awesome. I would have went to school and all the kids would have been scared of me because my daddy knew how to do the piledriver and his signature move the Lower Nine Shoulder Breaker. Going back to college for his degree instead of wrestling after Vietnam might be the only thing in life where my daddy failed me…………..Let’s move on before he whips my ass for this.

I’m just getting up and around today. Yesterday I went to the beer tasting event for WYES Channel 12 and it takes awhile to get over the mixture of wheat, hops, and barley. This Sunday is different because I finally took a week’s vacation and I feel strange. It’s my birthday Wednesday and some of my family is coming to visit and help me celebrate. I never take vacations. I have so much vacation and sick time saved up at work that if I quit tomorrow I would get paid for another three months. I have decided to make this a week full of anything but serious thoughts about politics, the city, or anything else that stays on my mind. Sometimes I want to sit back and do nothing. I just want to sit here and drink a few cocktails while I Google websites hoping to find a secret code for free membership into my favorite model’s website (I can’t put her name just in case I find the code. I don’t want to get sued.).

If my neighbor came outside right now fussing about my music I wouldn’t even be that upset with her. I might turn the water hose on her but that’s about it. I am seriously thinking about filling the kiddy pool and sitting in it to cool off. The only thing is that I have been having a few knee problems since I started working out again and I can’t deal with the embarrassment if someone has to come pull me up out of there when my legs lock up. I guess I will sit out here in this faint June breeze and enjoy this Churchill cigar.

In keeping with the theme of this post. I would like to share little known and useless facts about myself…….

I know all the words to the movie Blazing Saddles.

I also know all the routines to four Richard Pryor albums.

I fly a few times a year but everything I do I am always petrified and actually get depressed about the whole experience until I get back home.

My favorite color is green.

If I could pick one job to have for the next ten years it would be a talk radio host.

That last line is funny to me because the one fact about me know one believes is that I am incredibly shy.

I desperately want to learn how to play the guitar but I can’t figure out how to read music.

I give my best friend Ced all kinds of grief for his abundance of facial and skin care products. The truth of the matter is that I am just as bad. I am always obsessed with my appearance. In fact, there was a time where me and him used to take turns removing ingrown hairs from the razor bumps on each other’s face. It was worse when I had hair. In high school girls used to come to me to use my comb because they knew I always had one.

I will be doing this all week. Hopefully all my readers won’t have abandoned me by Friday.