Thursday, July 14, 2005

Office Space - Dedicated To The Work Day

I think I am getting tired of coming to the office. Some of the people are just a trip to be around. I don't feel like working so I will write about the office. There's a few in every office. Certain people that do these kinds of things everyday. A few of them may even be me. The names of the people who inspired these characters have been concealed to protect the guilty and to keep them from being mad at me.

The Oh My Goodness Here They Come Worker
This is the person at your job that no one really likes or wants to be bothered with. They have bad jokes. They smell a little. Sometimes they are just not that good of a person. The only thing that keeps them around is that they are the CEO's cousin or related to someone else in the company. You have to fake like you want to be around them without saying anything that may get back to mid management. This is the person that never comes to happy hour.
The 30 Minute Breaker
This is the person that is never at their desk because they always have a reason to take a break. These are usually smokers or have a friend on another floor that they want to talk to all the time. You always have to hurry up from your break because they have sucked up all the free time. Every six months you need to have an argument with this person once the break time gets out of hand.
The Potluck Co-Worker
This is the person that can't cook but always wants to have a potluck dinner. Every three months they plan one of these stupid things and ask everybody to bring something. Their dish is usually the worst one on the table. I hate potluck dinners. In every office there's a person that is just a little nasty looking. You try to get them to bring the plates or the cups but they always want to whip up their special recipe and put right at the beginning of the table. They stand there and look to see if anyone eats it. Now everybody has to put some on their plate and figure out how to get it to the trash when no one is looking.
The Company Manual Monitor
This is the fool that actually went home and read the new employee kit after orientation. They know everything about every procedure and always want to point out stuff that is not right. They follow the dress code. Their breaks are 15 minutes exactly. They go to lunch for 60 minutes, clock right back in and go to their desk. These people don't have allot of friends because usually they have gotten a real popular person fired by being so damn correct all the time.
The Wanna Be Manager
This is my least favorite person. This is the fool sitting next to you that makes the same money and has the same title but has been with the company 5 years longer than you so they feel they can tell you what to do. The reason they are in the same position is because they have absolutely no management skills and never get promoted. The wanna be manager always sees the company manual monitor as a threat and they never get along. These are the two that the supervisor manipulates to do all of their dirty work.
The Harassment Dude
Ladies, this is the guy at the office that thinks every woman wants him so he makes all these lewd comments. These guys always get fired for harassment or abuse of the e-mail system. You can always find the harassment dude just standing in the hallway or at the elevator for no reason but to play on women. The funniest thing about the harassment dude is that 80% of the time he works in the mail room or cleans the bathrooms. He still exists because there's that one pitiful woman somewhere in the building that actually breaks him off and gives him reason to keep going on with his routine.
The Hoochie Clothes Girl
This is the biggest test for a young brother working in an office environment. This is the girl who is getting her life and career on track and has never had an office job before. All she has to wear to work are the clothes she wears to the club. Usually, this is mini skirts, tight pants and shirts that show off her tattoos. Hoochie clothes girl is like kryptonite to the harassment dude and extremely distracting to every other guy. As long as she is a nice girl and doesn't manipulate the situation too much everything is cool. A scandalous hoochie dresser can destroy an entire department.
The Gossip Woman
The most dangerous person in the building. This is the person that claims to know who's messing around, who's about to get fired, who's having marital problems, and everything else they really don't know. All of the other people on this list can survive in harmony until the gossip woman is hired. The strangest thing about the gossip woman is that she herself is never in any rumor and no one is ever mad at her. Somehow she knows how to throw the match into the gasoline and pull it out before it burns her hand.
The Potential Postal Worker
Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking this is the guy that is probably going to come into the building and spray everyone with bullets. That's true. However, this person is usually really popular and gets along well with his co workers. He is cool with everyone in the building that is not a supervisor. Postal potential hates authority and pressure. He's usually the guy that does something so specific and complicated that it's almost impossible to replace him so the manager puts up with all his tripping. This is the guy that walks out of meetings. He is the one that refuses to work overtime. He is the one no one asks to work on any kind of special projects because they know he is just itching to go off. He knows he will never get promoted and he doesn't care. The funniest part about the postal man is that as soon as he clocks out and hits the streets he instantly becomes one of the coolest people you have ever met. Clocking in is just like turning Dr. Jeckyl into Mr. Hyde.

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