The City's Number One Revenue Generator

Ladies and gentlemen of New Orleans, District Attorney Eddie Jordan has ran out of appeals and extensions and has to pay all the white people he fired for no reason their money. This is truly sad for local citizens. It’s not sad because he has to pay. What he did was wrong and if the situation was reversed black people would have exhumed the bodies of deceased community leaders to march against that kind of thing. It’s sad because anyone that has lived here more than five minutes knows how New Orleans city government covers unexpected expenses. That’s right, traffic and parking tickets. I’m pretty sure they are ordering more tow trucks and radar guns as we speak. Every driver in the city is going to have to give their fair share to cover up Eddie’s mistake by getting a citation.

I have extensive experience with receiving traffic and parking tickets in New Orleans. I have been innocent every time but I paid most of them because I believe in the city being fiscally stable. Some of you may not share my dedication and will get pissed when you turn that corner right into a middle of a speed trap. Since I believe in helping the community and have no fear of offending the police department(thank goodness you don’t need a picture on the Blogger profile page. ) I am going to share with those of you who may not be familiar with the unwritten driving rules of New Orleans. Here are five helpful hints to avoid missing a day of work sitting in traffic court.

1. A No Parking sign on a post has a radius of two blocks in either direction in the local meter maid rulebook. If you park anywhere without a meter, you must drive two blocks in both directions to make sure that there isn’t any sign she can write a ticket for. How come the electronic meters have a debit card slot but not one for dollar bills? Everytime I put my debit card into the machine it automatically bills me for the maximum time. I'm spending three dollars for a 5 minutes stop. Which one of Pampy's cousins owned the company that won that contract?

2. If you have an older vehicle and the seatbelt doesn't work any longer, this is what you do. You pull the strap over your shoulder, tuck the buckle part under your thigh and sit on it. This won't make you any safer but it will fool the police. Be sure that if you get uncomfortable not to adjust yourself too suddenly and have that buckle jump up and hit you in the temple causing you to black out and run into a poll. You don't want that to happen because I am sure that old hooptie doesn't have an airbag.

3. In the morning, you may pass a school zone sign but also notice that the school itself is boarded up, abandoned and probably has never been touched since Katrina. Slow down to 20 miles per hour anyway. Doing 45mph through one of these zones may be the reason to stop you under the hope you have something else wrong and help fill the quota.

4. Many New Orleans streets are curved so much to the point where you can’t see two blocks ahead. When you get to a blind spot of this nature, please lower your speed by ten. New Orleans traffic cops love these spots. Pay particular attention to the intersection at St. Claude and St. Bernard, N. Broad St. near the I-610 onramp, Almonaster Blvd once you cross the overpass on Florida Ave and several spots on Claiborne. Trust me they will be waiting.

5. You may get stopped for something that you don’t think you are guilty of. You may want to use your freedom of speech and complain to the officer writing the ticket. It’s your right to do so but please be aware that there are members of the NOPD that have no people skills at all and somehow they all ended up in traffic enforcement. These elite group has the gift of taking one violation and writing it three different ways on the same ticket. It might be a good idea to just say you did it, compliment his keen awareness and move on. You can fuss if you want to, but when you get stopped for doing 40 in a 30 mile zone and that turns into speeding, wreckless driving, illegal lane change when you get over to stop for him and a mandatory court date don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Take these tips, buckle up, drive safe and enjoy the city.

Someone may want to translate this into Spanish for our thousands of migrant workers who are living here. If you do, please add that they may want to watch all those illegal turns and stop going the wrong way down one way streets scaring the hell out of people. I’m not being mean. I’m just trying to help.